I became a teacher because in high school a close friend of mine was assaulted. She was walking home at night when a man stopped his truck, leapt out, and tried to force her into his vehicle. She fought back with all her strength, but he would have overpowered her if not for another car that happened to come along. He fled. She escaped.
That night, I saw her bruised lip and matted hair where he had tangled his fist in an effort to force her into the truck. Months after the minor physical injuries she sustained had healed, she continued to experience lingering emotional and psychological effects of the assault, despite the fact that her assailant had not managed to rape her. When walking around our high school or the streets of our town, she tried to make herself look ugly by wearing lumpy clothes and slumping her shoulders, in hopes that boys would not pay unwanted attention to her. She often felt unsafe.
In the weeks that followed the assault, I experienced a new anger about misogyny in various forms, from sexist T-shirts to the reaction from a male high school teacher I told about the assault, whose first words were, 鈥淎t some point we should consider the possibility that she might be making this up.鈥�
I channeled that anger into working with young children at a battered women鈥檚 shelter. In the shelter playroom, I saw 5-year-old boys who punched the Barbies and pulled their hair. After just a few days of being in a caring, safe environment, these same boys gently brushed the dolls鈥� hair. I chose to be an elementary school teacher because I saw how much influence we have to change children鈥檚 learned habits and life trajectories if we intervene early enough.
I thought about that experience while with child psychologist Michael Thompson on how we teach boys to have empathy. He doesn鈥檛 discount the prescription we usually hear: having explicit conversations with boys about consent. But Thompson also talks about a simple but profound action that even very young boys can do.
鈥淚f I were in charge of everything, every boy would take care of children at some point in his own boyhood. He鈥檇 take care of small children who get hurt, who cry, who need comforting. Boys who have been camp counselors, for instance, 18-year-old boys who have taken care of a cabin of 10-year-old boys鈥攖hey鈥檙e different because they鈥檝e had to take care of somebody鈥檚 hurt and loneliness and homesickness and pain. It changes the older boy, and it makes him a better young man.鈥�
Here are three simple ways we as educators can help boys develop empathy.
1. Find ways for boys to care for younger children.
My 1st and 2nd graders are reading buddies for children in a pre-K class down the hall. When I learned that the 12-year-old brother of a girl in my class was bullying her at home, I invited him to start working once a week as a volunteer with my 2nd graders. He almost immediately became more nurturing toward his younger sister both at school and home.
The girls I teach often take on caregiving responsibilities for younger brothers and sisters at a very early age鈥攂abysitting, feeding, even changing diapers. The boys, by contrast, are often allowed to play video games while their sisters and mothers are engaged in the constant work of that caregiving. Teachers may not be in a position to change that dynamic in our students鈥� homes, but we can create opportunities for our students to nurture and mentor younger children in school beginning at an early age.
2. Read books featuring strong female protagonists and gentle boys.
The scarcity of children鈥檚 books featuring girls and women is startling. A on this topic cites a finding that female characters appear in about 33 percent of children鈥檚 books published in any given year, while male characters appear in 100 percent.
The assumption I hear from the publishing industry is that girls will read books about boys, while boys won鈥檛 read books about girls. We can change that, beginning with the books we choose for read aloud, guided reading, and the baskets or shelves lining our classroom libraries.
As a child, I loved Astrid Lindgren鈥檚 Pippi Longstocking books. My current favorite for kids in grades 2 to 4 is the series of chapter books by Marisa Montes. Gabriela is a spunky, strong Latina girl who stands up to bullies to defend younger children.
When I was growing up, the record was always playing in our home. I remember the story , in which a boy鈥檚 father provides his son with plenty of sports equipment but refuses to give him the doll he asks for. At the end, the dad鈥檚 own mother points out that playing with the doll will help William learn to be a father someday.
3. Be direct.
Boys need to know that men can be gentle. That it鈥檚 OK for boys to cry. That girls are as strong, smart, and capable as boys. That it鈥檚 never OK to put your hands on someone who doesn鈥檛 want you to.
Part of the reason we need more men to be teachers, particularly in the elementary grades, is to help model respect for women. When the boys in my class are reluctant to be partnered with a girl for a school project, I point out that I work on a 2nd grade team with two women as well as another man. I ask them, 鈥淲hat if I would only work with Mr. Schuster, and refused to work with Mrs. Harter or Mrs. Batson? I鈥檇 get fired!鈥� They laugh, but they get the real-world point.
Human nature or human habit?
Like most Americans, I watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford鈥檚 testimony about the harrowing details she remembers of her assault. I heard her describe her vivid fear when she couldn鈥檛 breathe that her attacker would accidentally kill her. I heard her recall the older boys鈥� laughter during the attempted rape.
I was staggered that afternoon by the depth of empathy the 11 male Republican Senators on the Judiciary committee expressed for Brett Kavanaugh, the U.S Supreme Court nominee, contrasted with what I saw as the staggering lack of empathy they exhibited for Ford. Many of these men simultaneously acknowledged Ford鈥檚 credibility while implicitly discounting the veracity of the experience she had just recounted, including her assertion that she was 鈥�100 percent certain鈥� that Brett Kavanaugh assaulted her.
I also witnessed an aggressive, evasive, belligerent man who didn鈥檛 believe an accusation of this kind merited the type of hearing that was taking place. I watched Kavanaugh respond to a female Senator鈥檚 question about whether he had ever blacked out while drinking with the , 鈥淗ave you?鈥�
The way those hearings unfolded has everything to do with our job as teachers.
We don鈥檛 just teach the children in our care how to become strong readers, writers, scientists, artists, thinkers, and mathematicians. We teach them how to become strong, kind men and women. Boys have to learn from an early age that girls鈥� rights, emotions, and bodies matter precisely as much as their own.
I agree with the quote by Jewel from the album cover of Pieces of You: 鈥淲hat we call human nature in actuality is human habit.鈥� I have come to believe the same about boys and men. There is nothing inevitable about violence and disrespect toward women. It is learned behavior. We can teach boys a better way.
Author鈥檚 note: I realize the binary discussion of boys and girls in this column does not capture the identity or experience of trans students. We need more books like Alex Gino鈥檚 that reflect the experience of students who do not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth, or whose identity is not captured by the binary notions of male and female. Given the way traditional gender roles have played out in the testimony and response of Ford and Kavanaugh, I decided to confine this column to the dynamics involved in those traditional gender roles.
