(NOTE: This is the second of a three-part series)
Brad Patterson :
Can we be friends with our students? Where do we create barriers? How about social-media wise? I鈥檓 interested to hear about your experience, lessons learned, regrets, what you would offer as advice for new teachers.
Rick Wormeli provided his response in the of a three-part series. Here in Part Two, I鈥檒l first share my own thoughts on how this issue relates to the differences between a 鈥減ublic鈥� and a 鈥減rivate鈥� relationship; followed by Jose Vilson鈥檚 response to Brad鈥檚 question, and then conclude with a number of readers鈥� comments..
Next Wednesday I鈥檒l conclude this series with two guest responses -- from and -- primarily answering the question through the lens of social media. I鈥檒l also include more reader comments.
Public And Private Relationships
As many readers know, I was a community organizer for nineteen years prior to becoming a teacher ten years ago. One of the many organizing lessons I learned during that time and that I鈥檝e tried to apply to teaching is the difference between public and private relationships.
It is not an either/or perspective, and clearly must be more nuanced in an environment like a classroom. Nevertheless, keeping it in mind has helped me maintain more of a personal/professional 鈥渆quilibrium鈥� and helped my students learn important life lessons.
Organizers believe that private relationships are usually our family and friends, where our imperfections tend to be accepted. We generally have these relationships on an 鈥渁s is鈥� basis. We expect not to be judged and expect loyalty -- love in a broad sense is the 鈥渃urrency.鈥�
Public relationships encompass everyone else. Reciprocity is the 鈥渃urrency.鈥� We expect respect and gain it by being accountable for our actions. Loyalty is generated through reciprocity --a quid pro quo.
As , longtime Director of the Industrial Areas Foundation, the group I worked for during most of my organizing career, writes, private relationships are 鈥渦nconventional promises of mutual commitment鈥� while public relationships are the 鈥渨orld of exchange, compromise and deals -- the world of contracts, transactions and the law.鈥�
Organizers believe it is not uncommon for people with power in our society to try to manipulate these two realms for their own purposes. Advertising techniques -- including slogans like 鈥渞each out and touch someone鈥� -- and the typical gesture of a politician kissing a baby are just two obvious examples. In our organizing, we all too often saw officials trying to blur these distinctions to their advantage. For example, one mayor tried to repeatedly deflect community anger at local police cooperation with immigration raids one day prior to city鈥檚 annual weekend celebration of its Hispanic heritage. What tactic did he use to justify his support of the police action? He claimed people should not be angry at him because his 鈥渨ife was half-Latina.鈥�
I view the teacher/student relationship as a public one -- a caring one, a relationship that requires great patience and understanding -- but, nevertheless, a public one.
One year, I had a student with an enormous amount of challenges. I put a great deal of time and energy into supporting him, including purchasing books of his own choosing to read, working with him to develop alternative assignments that would be more fun and accessible, and providing occasional snacks between classes. He made great progress during the first six weeks of the school year, and was a delight to have in class. However, things began to go downhill dramatically at that time. I asked him to go outside with me so we could have a private talk after he said something like 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 care about me and you just want to kick me out of class!鈥�
This is what I said to him in a calm voice:
鈥淚 felt hurt by what you said. I feel like I鈥檝e bent over backward to support you and help you succeed (I then gave examples). I don鈥檛 need thanks, but I expect respect. And I haven鈥檛 been feeling very respected by you over the past few weeks. I will be a helpful and supportive teacher to you, as I am with all the students in my class. But I don鈥檛 feel like continuing to go the extra mile for someone who doesn鈥檛 show me respect. I want to emphasize that I will be a helpful and supportive teacher to you, but I鈥檓 just not going to continue to go the extra mile.鈥�
He began to react negatively, but I quickly ended the conversation and we returned to class. Afterwards, however, 鈥淛ohn鈥� returned to being respectful and hardworking, and I returned to 鈥済oing the extra mile.鈥� He ended up having a very successful year.
Response From Jose Vilson
is a math teacher and coach, writer, and co-author of Teaching 2030: What We Must Do For Our Students and Our Public Schools .... Now and In The Future. Jose is a member of the .
It鈥檚 an interesting question in a time when the word 鈥渇riend鈥� has already been diluted in the context of social networks. I prefer to think about it in the non-tech context because it should give a window for future 鈥渇riend鈥� references. Teachers can and should, in general, be friendly with students, but not be friends with students. The important distinction lies in the degree and depth to which you interact with the students on a personal level. That 鈥渇riend鈥� level should only come after having established a 鈥渢eacher鈥� authority with them. It鈥檚 important, for instance, to greet them in the morning and ask them how things are going with them. It鈥檚 important that students know that you care about them and that they can turn to you. That鈥檚 only powerful when you鈥檝e already established that you鈥檙e their teacher, and that you won鈥檛 entertain certain behaviors that their friends would during school time.
Thus, I only add students on Facebook when they鈥檝e graduated. I can let them know that I鈥檓 a big hip-hop fan, but I won鈥檛 entertain discussions of Watch The Throne unless it鈥檚 actually (and directly) related to the math at hand. I can give my perspective on what they鈥檙e going through and occasionally listen to a student vent, but that鈥檚 usually an aside to the math curriculum itself. Unless I鈥檓 integrating their interests into our lesson plans, and we鈥檙e diverging in that vein, then I usually keep the friendship part away from the business part.
Reader Responses
Several readers also shared their responses. They include:
:
I鈥榲e spent a lot of time counseling new teachers, especially males, about the dangers of crossing professional line with students. New, young teachers at the high school seemed particularly vulnerable to wanting to be buddies and pals with students who weren鈥檛 that far from them in age. I saw many teachers careers torn up by poor judgment and having their good intentions misread. For myself, I am my students鈥� friend--but I am not their peer.
Paul Thomas:
The long-standing rule 鈥淒on鈥檛 be friends with your students鈥� has always bothered me--primarily because it implies a pejorative meaning of 鈥渇riend.鈥�
Friendship, in its proper meaning, is a healthy, respectful connection between two people and is the IDEAL connection between any two people, especially when those people are in some sort of productive situation, such as teaching and learning.
I think this discussion is needed with young teachers in order to address the nuances of the term 鈥渇riendship,鈥� notably, as Renee Moore stated, the differences among friends who are peers and those who are not.
When my students come to view me as their friend it is a genuine honor that I cherish, one of the most important elements of being a teacher along with students coming to respect me.
yokkaichi1:
I do not want to be any student鈥檚 friend. I hope to be their trusted source of help with learning English as a Foreign Language, and council for issues, public and private. I hope to be of value to them in the present and in the future. But I am not interested in a friendship relationship.
Please feel free to leave a comment sharing your reactions to this question and the ideas shared here. .
Thanks again to Brad for posing this week鈥檚 question and to Jose, Renee, Paul and yokkaichi1 for sharing their responses!
Consider contributing a question to be answered in a future post. You can send one to me at lferlazzo@epe.org.When you send it in, let me know if I can use your real name if it鈥檚 selected or if you鈥檇 prefer remaining anonymous and have a pseudonym in mind.
Anyone whose question is selected for this weekly column can choose one free book from a selection of twelve published by .
Watch for Part Three in this series next Wednesday!